at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
