he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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