It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
