my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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