I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
