i think my tv is drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
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