Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
