Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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