All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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