I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
