we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
