if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
