i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
