I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
