and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
