I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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