I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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