i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
