you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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