Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
