my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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