You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
