My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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