I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
