you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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