everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
