alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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