turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
