Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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