I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
