He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
