I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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