I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
