You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
