Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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