Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
