he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
