My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drake has all the answers
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
