oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
