I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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