i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
