ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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