cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
