I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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