you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
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