ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
