We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
