made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
