So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
