If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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