Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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