i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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